Aries:
When a particularly aggressive ATM tries to ingest our brand new drain pipes from the leg up, slowly munching on the threads like a big electronic moth, someone will cross the road to avoid the fracas while you are busy desperately trying to hold together some manner of dignity. That person will later short change you in a bar in late 2016, turn around... quick... TURN AROUND!
Taurus:
You see someone's trousers being attacked by ATM, they will rumble your petty larceny in late 2016, COVER YOUR FACE!
Gemini:
When your sex life drops sharply due to an unfortunate tractor accident, things will get frighteningly calm due to the loss of certain organs birthing a series of personal discoveries that see you ending up as a Buddhist monk on a small Thai island until a sudden and unexplained regrowth makes it possible to give birth to the new Christian Messiah. You foresee trouble and set the wee tyke up in a career as a zoo keeper, be warned, they will want to be a magician... don't let them!
Cancer:
They know what you've done!
Leo:
You inherit a vast estate this month only to find that it's in America... suicide is not the answer!
Virgo:
as the moon whisks past a tiny boulder in the East of Marrakech this month in conjunction with a lobster playing the banjo at 13 minutes past midnight on the 24th, you'll suddenly be struck by a dumbfounding revelation that could change the course of mankind. Unfortunately you'll also get ADHD and the revelation will flit away as you notice an albino squirrel, then a particularly interesting looking brick, then some chips, and on and on it will go for the rest of your life, I can't believe you've held the attention long enough to read this! Oh... you haven't!
Libra:
Brown!
Scorpio:
Those jeans DO make your arse look big, but seeing as though your rump has been terribly ill formed the effect is complimentary.
Sagittarius:
Even after this long she still remembers that night... she's coming for you and it's going to be rancidly and painfully uncomfortable.. run I tell you... RUN!
Capricorn:
Yes that's it... right there.. yes there... harder, herder... more... more! Is what you won't hear this month unless you take some lessons.
Aquarius:
That's not where that belongs!
Pisces:
Avoid tree swings that have been greased with butter, but margarine is fine, or olive oil. You should probably avoid canola swings, though they can be a lot of fun you're probably getting a bit old for that sort of thing and you can't afford a hip replacement this month.
