Horrorscopes from the future!

Fresh from his travels through time The Amazing Majesto slathers his almighty wisdom upon you with a giant spatula of knowledge.

Majesto knows what will happen because he's actually been there.  

Thing is though, as soon as he tells you what's going on things might change in the future, so he has to go back and have another look, then tell you what's going to happen next month.  

Essentially.. this shitty joke never ends!

Enjoy!

Aries:

Due to a lack of gumption this month you will develop a habit of letting people walk all over you.  This is because you’d much rather just have a quiet life.  This will result in the tragic loss of your favourite pair of brogue Cuban heeled moon boots in the year 2055.  You really don’t want that to happen.  Sort yourself out quick smart!

Taurus:

Something will happen this week involving a wet cat, a toy train and some twine that will link you to an event in your future that will change the future of all mankind and indeed every living being in the multiverse.  You are the chosen one!   My advice… as much as you want to don’t put it in there… it’ll get sticky.  You’ll know what I mean when you get there.

Gemini:

You will live a life of little or no consequence.  I’d go to the pub if I were you.

Cancer:

You may be sensitive but you are a selfish prick... sort it out before it all goes wrong!

Leo:

If you’re reading this and it’s not your horrorscope stop it… NOW!  If this is your horrorscope, smash all non Leos In the knee with a brick as soon as you meet them.  Believe me, you’re helping them.  Oh… and you become king of the universe in 2354… yes that’s right... ageing becomes obsolete soon.

Virgo:

You are a racist.

Libra:

There will be a particularly tricky incident as you leave an old building next week.  You’ll get a splinter that’ll turn septic.  You’ll ignore it.  You’ll be hospitalised, crack onto the nurse and have nine children with him/her by the year 2210.  You will not be with this person the whole time but do yourself a favour and keep shagging them, as one of your kids marries the King of the Universe in 2355 setting you up for a very comfortable 500 years.

Scorpio:

You are not a racist… you were in the present but you’re not in the future because you realised that you’re not a c**t.

Sagittarius

Kill Tony Abbott.  It will begin a chain reaction that will bring peace to the multiverse and statues will be erected in your honour.  You’ll even have humanitarian institutes built in your name because you rid the world of evil.

Capricorn:

Bryan did it.  Unless you are Bryan... in which case you did it!

Aquarius:

We didn’t start the fire, it was always burning since the world’s been turning.  We didn’t start the fire, though we didn’t light but we’re trying to fight it.  Also… remember that ham is better smoked.   I know.. it doesn’t make sense but it will…. HAM IS BETTER SMOKED DAMMIT! 

Pisces:

Yes… it’s fine to touch them there, just don't film it.