Horrorscopes from the future!

Fresh from his travels through time The Amazing Majesto slathers his almighty wisdom upon you with a giant spatula of knowledge.

Majesto knows what will happen because he's actually been there.  

Thing is though, as soon as he tells you what's going on things might change in the future, so he has to go back and have another look, then tell you what's going to happen next month.  

Essentially.. this shitty joke never ends!

Enjoy!

Aries:

Due to a lack of gumption this month you will develop a habit of letting people walk all over you.  This is because you’d much rather just have a quiet life.  This will result in the tragic loss of your favourite pair of brogue Cuban heeled moon boots in the year 2055.  You really don’t want that to happen.  Sort yourself out quick smart!

Taurus:

Something will happen this week involving a wet cat, a toy train and some twine that will link you to an event in your future that will change the future of all mankind and indeed every living being in the multiverse.  You are the chosen one!   My advice… as much as you want to don’t put it in there… it’ll get sticky.  You’ll know what I mean when you get there.

Gemini:

You will live a life of little or no consequence.  I’d go to the pub if I were you.

Cancer:

You may be sensitive but you are a selfish prick... sort it out before it all goes wrong!

Leo:

If you’re reading this and it’s not your horrorscope stop it… NOW!  If this is your horrorscope, smash all non Leos In the knee with a brick as soon as you meet them.  Believe me, you’re helping them.  Oh… and you become king of the universe in 2354… yes that’s right... ageing becomes obsolete soon.

Virgo:

You are a racist.

Libra:

There will be a particularly tricky incident as you leave an old building next week.  You’ll get a splinter that’ll turn septic.  You’ll ignore it.  You’ll be hospitalised, crack onto the nurse and have nine children with him/her by the year 2210.  You will not be with this person the whole time but do yourself a favour and keep shagging them, as one of your kids marries the King of the Universe in 2355 setting you up for a very comfortable 500 years.

Scorpio:

You are not a racist… you were in the present but you’re not in the future because you realised that you’re not a c**t.

Sagittarius

Kill Tony Abbott.  It will begin a chain reaction that will bring peace to the multiverse and statues will be erected in your honour.  You’ll even have humanitarian institutes built in your name because you rid the world of evil.

Capricorn:

Bryan did it.  Unless you are Bryan... in which case you did it!

Aquarius:

We didn’t start the fire, it was always burning since the world’s been turning.  We didn’t start the fire, though we didn’t light but we’re trying to fight it.  Also… remember that ham is better smoked.   I know.. it doesn’t make sense but it will…. HAM IS BETTER SMOKED DAMMIT! 

Pisces:

Yes… it’s fine to touch them there, just don't film it.

April

Aries:

When a particularly aggressive ATM tries to ingest our brand new drain pipes from the leg up, slowly munching on the threads like a big electronic moth, someone will cross the road to avoid the fracas while you are busy desperately trying to hold together some manner of dignity.  That person will later short change you in a bar in late 2016, turn around... quick... TURN AROUND!  

Taurus:

You see someone's trousers being attacked by ATM, they will rumble your petty larceny in late 2016, COVER YOUR FACE! 

Gemini:

When your sex life drops sharply due to an unfortunate tractor accident, things will get frighteningly calm due to the loss of certain organs birthing a series of personal discoveries that see you ending up as a Buddhist monk on a small Thai island until a sudden and unexplained regrowth makes it possible to give birth to the new Christian Messiah.  You foresee trouble and set the wee tyke up in a career as a zoo keeper, be warned, they will want to be a magician... don't let them!

Cancer:

They know what you've done!

Leo:

You inherit a vast estate this month only to find that it's in America... suicide is not the answer!

Virgo:

as the moon whisks past a tiny boulder in the East of Marrakech this month in conjunction with a lobster playing the banjo at 13 minutes past midnight on the 24th, you'll suddenly be struck by a dumbfounding revelation that could change the course of mankind.  Unfortunately you'll also get ADHD and the revelation will flit away as you notice an albino squirrel, then a particularly interesting looking brick, then some chips, and on and on it will go for the rest of your life, I can't believe you've held the attention long enough to read this!  Oh... you haven't!   

Libra:

Brown!

Scorpio:

Those jeans DO make your arse look big, but seeing as though your rump has been terribly ill formed the effect is complimentary.

Sagittarius:

Even after this long she still remembers that night... she's coming for you and it's going to be rancidly and painfully uncomfortable.. run I tell you... RUN!

Capricorn:

Yes that's it... right there.. yes there... harder, herder... more... more!  Is what you won't hear this month unless you take some lessons.  

Aquarius:

That's not where that belongs!

Pisces:

Avoid tree swings that have been greased with butter, but margarine is fine, or olive oil.  You should probably avoid canola swings, though they can be a lot of fun you're probably getting a bit old for that sort of thing and you can't afford a hip replacement this month.

March

Aries:

And there you go again, thinking they'll appreciate you for who you truly are if you just put that rigid spiky thing in the silky, moistened crevice and give it a jiggle until it pops... well guess what.. they will... so get on with it! The 27th brings an unwelcome encounter with an umbrella stand in the shape of an elephants foot that may leave you feeling frighteningly powerful and in the mind to do mischief to a dwarf named Eric... follow your instincts on that one, I think Eric's been up to something.

Taurus:

If you turn it up to 180 decibels the noise will merge with the frequency of the high pitched shriek, effectively dulling it down long enough for you to take your hands off your ears, stop wriggling around on the floor in agony, grab the pitch fork and thrust it into the monster's kneecap.  That should allow the time to hoist the cat into your arms and launch yourself out of the window before it gathers itself together.  The 13th sees you locked away for telling people about it.

Gemini:

That cream won't work on something that smelly and green.  You need to drench yourself in rare meteorite dust and fry yourself in butter... only thing that's gonna help I'm afraid (a message brought to you by the butter and dust company).

Cancer:

I see a small pile of pebbles in the formations of the planets in your future this month.  You will enter into a bitter discussion about the status of pluto when a creature, previously thought of to be mythical, will crash out of a manhole cover, steal a nearby Volkswagen and insist that you join them as the future of mankind depends on it.  I can't tell you if you should go or not, I'll tell you next month.  The creature may well be a sprite of some kind, most likely a trouser sprite, most notable for it's thieving of socks, bic pens, guitar picks and small memories.

Leo:

Your great aunt will leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth this month, probably best if you stop eating her toenail clippings in secret.

Virgo:

Stop that... you'll get a rash!

Libra:

Crack open a can of spam on the evening of the 17th as it'll come in handy when your ex comes around with a starved pit-bull to remove important bits of your anatomy.  Befriend the pooch and set it against it's owner quick smart!

Scorpio:

Your starved pit-bull will turn against you this month due to a freshly opened can of spam... take the biting... you had it coming!

Sagittarius:

A famous author once said "Oh for fuck's sake!"  wise words for you this coming month, heed them well, heed I tell you!

Capricorn:

There once was a man from Turin, who had an inordinately large grin, It filled folks with fear, his freakish mouth ear to ear, and his lips so incredibly thin.  The person that told you this limerick when you were three and a half years old will be desperately in need of your spare nail clippers on the 16th at 12:31am.  Get them to them or they will die a slow and horrific death... no pressure or anything.

Aquarius:

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" but a tickle for a tickle will ensure that you get the promotion you've been after... especially if you tickle in a specific area... near Ulan Bator (the capital of Mongolia) is your best bet.

Pisces:

You are a racist!