March

Aries:

And there you go again, thinking they'll appreciate you for who you truly are if you just put that rigid spiky thing in the silky, moistened crevice and give it a jiggle until it pops... well guess what.. they will... so get on with it! The 27th brings an unwelcome encounter with an umbrella stand in the shape of an elephants foot that may leave you feeling frighteningly powerful and in the mind to do mischief to a dwarf named Eric... follow your instincts on that one, I think Eric's been up to something.

Taurus:

If you turn it up to 180 decibels the noise will merge with the frequency of the high pitched shriek, effectively dulling it down long enough for you to take your hands off your ears, stop wriggling around on the floor in agony, grab the pitch fork and thrust it into the monster's kneecap.  That should allow the time to hoist the cat into your arms and launch yourself out of the window before it gathers itself together.  The 13th sees you locked away for telling people about it.

Gemini:

That cream won't work on something that smelly and green.  You need to drench yourself in rare meteorite dust and fry yourself in butter... only thing that's gonna help I'm afraid (a message brought to you by the butter and dust company).

Cancer:

I see a small pile of pebbles in the formations of the planets in your future this month.  You will enter into a bitter discussion about the status of pluto when a creature, previously thought of to be mythical, will crash out of a manhole cover, steal a nearby Volkswagen and insist that you join them as the future of mankind depends on it.  I can't tell you if you should go or not, I'll tell you next month.  The creature may well be a sprite of some kind, most likely a trouser sprite, most notable for it's thieving of socks, bic pens, guitar picks and small memories.

Leo:

Your great aunt will leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth this month, probably best if you stop eating her toenail clippings in secret.

Virgo:

Stop that... you'll get a rash!

Libra:

Crack open a can of spam on the evening of the 17th as it'll come in handy when your ex comes around with a starved pit-bull to remove important bits of your anatomy.  Befriend the pooch and set it against it's owner quick smart!

Scorpio:

Your starved pit-bull will turn against you this month due to a freshly opened can of spam... take the biting... you had it coming!

Sagittarius:

A famous author once said "Oh for fuck's sake!"  wise words for you this coming month, heed them well, heed I tell you!

Capricorn:

There once was a man from Turin, who had an inordinately large grin, It filled folks with fear, his freakish mouth ear to ear, and his lips so incredibly thin.  The person that told you this limerick when you were three and a half years old will be desperately in need of your spare nail clippers on the 16th at 12:31am.  Get them to them or they will die a slow and horrific death... no pressure or anything.

Aquarius:

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" but a tickle for a tickle will ensure that you get the promotion you've been after... especially if you tickle in a specific area... near Ulan Bator (the capital of Mongolia) is your best bet.

Pisces:

You are a racist!